拔草

6月2日到8月31日，在歐洲呆了整整三個月。彷彿做夢一樣，直到今天走在香港的街上，還有一種“只是到香港旅遊，過兩天就要回漢堡”的感覺。

2013年過得很快。年頭的2個月，在陽光時務度過了最後的時間，臨別時同事小聚，竟有了大學散夥飯的感覺。捧著那杯大家在爆笑之中製成的紅酒、啤酒、白酒混合液體，心底里生出濃濃的感傷和“臨陣脫逃”的歉疚，知道喝下去會怎樣，但似乎也只有喝下去，也才能證明曾有豪氣在心頭，走到哪裡都不敢忘。於是當然就站不起來了。恍恍惚惚地記得抱著蟲仔哭，被她罵了兩個月，我知道我們有多麼不捨得。後來的情節只能靠各位小夥伴的複述了──當然，在回憶里一切都是段子：比如我坐在男朋友身邊卻拉著男同事的手……比如我一邊哭一邊說“稿子還沒寫完”……比如搖搖晃晃地站起來跟益中搶買單被罵……比如一路吐到家、吐上床、恨不得坐在自己的嘔吐物里哭……近兩年滿腔熱血拔苗助長的時光，就這樣完美地劃下了醃臢的句號，而似乎也只有這些小小的自我放棄的不堪，也才能遮掩我的遺憾與虚弱，也才能遮掩我對自己選的這條未來路的巨大的焦灼與不安。

然後一邊是號外的工作機會，一邊是香港的大事佔中，一邊是去德國的三個月。我總是篤信這世界的一切相遇都不是偶然。你的過往軌跡決定了你會遭遇什麼樣的世界，而冥冥中這些線索一定有所連接，並啟示著你未來該要承擔的道路。一個香港身份，一本本地雜誌，一個歷史性時期的到來，一段放空調整的時間──還要什麼呢？香港就充滿了你所要尋找的複雜性，而又那麼缺少書寫。那就好好地靜下來，虛心求教，學懂這片土地，然後為她寫點什麼。

回到來已經是9月份。然而提筆變得空前地艱難。首先，再也不滿足於記錄事件本身──在烏坎的經歷已經讓我意識到這種侷限在事件梳理的職業寫作始終缺少了最血肉生動的一塊：對每一個個體處境和選擇的深入觀察。只有這些才能提供飽滿的細節，也才能支撐真正的對複雜性的解釋力。同時，真正的複雜性是貫穿歷史與現實的，知識的儲備與思想的錘鍊才能催生真正的洞見。

顯然，對前者的把握能力，和對後者的積累，我都欠缺。

在布拉格的哈維爾圖書館，看到哈維爾描述自己30歲左右的困境：

He has exhausted his initial experience of the world and the ways of expressing it and he must decide how to proceed from there. He can, of course, seek ever more brilliant ways of saying the things he has already said; that is, he can essentially repeat himself. Or he can rest in the position he achieved in his first burst of creativity, subordinate everything he learned to the interests of consolidating that position, and thus assure himself a place on Parnassus.

But he has a third option: he can abandon everything proven, step beyond his initial experience of the world, with which he is by now all too familiar, liberate himself from what binds him to his own tradition, to public expectation and to his own established position, and try for a new and more mature self-definition, one that corresponds to his present and authentic experience of the world. In short, he can find his “second wind”.

Anyone who choose this route-the only one that genuinely makes sense-will not, as a rule, have an easy time of it. At this stage in his life, a writer is no longer a blank sheet of paper, and some things are hard to part with. His original élan, self-confidence, and spontaneous openness have gone, but genuine maturity is not yet in sight; he must, in fact, start over again, but in essentially more difficult conditions.

尋找second wind，這也是我的困境。那麼就看書、拔草，做到今後寫每一個字，都至少知道自己在寫什麼。少一點bullshit。

2013年9月12日

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